When Paradigms Shift

I was in class this week, learning about family paradigms. To be honest, I was a little bored, but as I've thought about what I learned, I've seen some amazing parallels to what I've been observing about life. 

I never knew there were so many ways to define a family until I took this class. There are four “paradigms” that families typically fall under: the closed family, the rAndom family, the open family, and the synchronous family.  Each family is characterized differently based on their attitude toward rules and how those rules come into being. Here’s a brief overview:

The Closed Family. This family is defined by tradition. They love rules from a distinct authority figure and hate anything new from outside influences. They may not be the most welcoming and will probably not take change well. Think ‘The Croods’.

The Random Family. Far away from a closed family, the random family is defined by individualism. They are go-with-the-flow and have no definite authority. They love free expression, but they will most likely be prone to permissive parenting and lend to low self-control.

The Open Family. They’re open about everything. This family craves negotiation and readily adapts to the needs of its members. They plan to a T and listen to each member’s voice before moving forward. The down side is that decisions may be like an act of congress – they take forever to decide or talk around the problem instead of fixing it.

The Synchronous Family. Just like the swimmers, the synchronous family just gets it. They know what is expected of them and work in harmony with each other. Though they sound perfect, when conflict arises, they might very well not know how to solve the problem and thus avoid it.

When I learned about all of these families, I tried placing families I know under these definitions. I’m coming to see that no family fits into a box though. I got frustrated with my major and their hate of labels yet overabundant use of them. Then I realized. We are simply trying to understand. And we humans really struggle with the abstract. We try to make the unseen connection between people a study, a theory, something so that we can understand relationships better and talk about them as a concrete substance. So I’m shifting my own paradigm about my major. And I’m learning that life is about adaptation and balance. We never really get the hang of a trial before we have to move on to our next struggle.

But life isn’t about getting everything perfect.

It’s learning to improve.

So if I can do that a million times, I’m getting the experience I need. I can be content learning about how to adapt, rather than finding perfection. (Not that perfection is bad, I just don’t think any of us really understand what it is, which results in us often missing the mark and beating ourselves up instead of loving who we are and that we are learning.)

Another insight I’ve learned from these paradigms is from learning that none of these family models are bad. All of them can lend to successful families and individuals. There is no one right way to heaven, or to becoming who we want to be. There are a million different decisions in life and many times we choose between good and good. We can’t beat ourselves up over this. All roads lead to Rome if we have good intentions and do what we know is right.

I don’t think one family stays the same their whole existence. I think families change and have elements of all these paradigms.  It’s really not about the box, so much as about pinning something down so you can begin to understand it.  So don’t stress if you don’t fit your ideal box. You are beautiful. Your family is beautiful – and it’s because it’s unique and yours.

So let’s change paradigms. Let’s stop worrying about comparing ourselves to the ideal and start enjoying the beauty of what we have.